the secrets behind my eyes
bring tears to yours
i sometimes wonder
when it will be time
i see tired eyes
my heart aches
i cant leave you there where you are
until you are reassured
look pass the mountains
dont let it control you
though it seems to get the best of us
there's no use in it now
dont ask the questions that have no answers
there's too much crossing the depths
of our far away minds 
as silence in our hearts
burn away the passion
what will come and rescue us?
who will come and rescue me? 
you and i are left in wonder
as the things we cant even fathom
continue to float somewhere out in space
hands reach out to grab
but there's nothing...
or so it seems.
as i reach out to grab the stars
you wallow in your pity
i hold on to what's left
but the same problem over and over
tears me to pieces
here comes the shame, rejection, fear
what is it that you need?
what can i do?
our eyes close
locking away the pain
pushing our despair further
into the cold, labeled box
only to be locked away
until some other unfortunate day
do you understand?
say what i want to hear
take one step back
and come inside to my place
who are you going to be?
answer me the question of all
you've been someone else for so long
are you lost in yourself?
i hear the voice
hold onto what is good ...
cling onto what counts ... 
how can i be so wavering
how can you look
and forget all that you've known 
whisper the truth into my ear
let it penetrate through this heart
through the bricks of fear
let the voice come
let his voice come
to sing to me gently
sing me love
sing me peace
sing me to sleep
let his voice come
he'll take you where you want to go
where i want to go.
get up, child and walk.
....

so i think it's funny how i go on about the sh...crap in my mind and how good it feels not to think about it and just bust it out. i also think it's funny how contagious it is.

vicki rants on (*gasp* vicki rants??) because she's freakin pissed at the world and sometimes becomes a selfish little biotch (*gasp again*)... digs up shit (*holy cow*) that she really probably cant even explain to you and then everyone's like "i think i want to rant on too, about the crap that's been on my mind. i've been too chicken to write it in my xanga because i'm scared of what people will think of me."

dont deny it. you want to be like me. you know it.
yeah, but honestly you probably dont even know what i'm talking about. *shrug*

gosh ... i need to stop writing in here right now.
i feel like cussing like every other word. this me bein real. get it? got it? good.
wait.... what's real? who am i? if i feel like cussing and i do it... is that being real? is that who i really am? ... *eh hem*

gah.
lazy days. gotto love em.

edit::
i just went to my old xanga ... http://www.xanga.com/icki
and yeah holy cow when did i ever write like that?
that doesnt even seem like me anymore ... what the heck happened to me?
man oh man .... no no ... GOD.

look at this prayer that i wrote on august 26, 2004:

Father,
I am soon to begin a new journey in my life. And as I do so, I want to really focus on my spiritual journey with you. Please, help me to realize that building my life around myself instead of you will only lead to emptiness and meaninglessness. I was made by you and for you, and I want to discover my true purpose on this earth... and my true purpose in you because your plan is amazing. Let me be driven by the love I have for you alone, and help me to center my life on your plan and purpose for me. God, open my eyes to see that there are eternal consequences in even the smallest choices of my life. Remind me to look past what is temporary and focus on what will last forever in your Kingdom. Teach me to live in light of eternity. May your heart be blessed and your name glorified in all that I do...

In your holy name, I pray .. Amen.

yeah .... DANG.
i'm like ... a totally different person.
how sad.

so .. i dont know what to say.
i'm out of words today.
cant express what i want to anyway.

perhaps another day.

* * * * *

edit:
i knew it. i hate to say that i knew it.
the things that i hate most and fear that is going to happen... eventually happen because i almost expect them to. sometimes i wonder how i can be so pessimistic sometimes... what am i turning into?

tears.
so much for crying.
screw that.

what good does is it do anybody?
yeah... nothing. it does no good. zip. nada.
it just scares people away. it's too much for people to deal with. if you ever want to cry, lock yourself in your room and dont come out. just do it by yourself... and come out and show people that you're stronger than they think, because it's inconvenient and too costly for others to know the truth. if you look stronger, they'll trust you, they'll want to be your friend, they'll tell YOU things and YOU can listen... cuz the more you talk, the more the other person seems to shut up.
why?
cuz when you're open, real, crying, you're vulnerable, weak, scared ... and when people see that and find that it's something they dont want to be a part of .. then they just run away. maybe even subconsciously. but still. no one wants to take on that burden. nobody cares THAT much for somebody.. or do they?
does somebody really want to know the truth?
who out there can freakin handle the truth?

you think i'm strong in all the wrong things, but i'm not.
you think you can trust someone, but you cant.
you think i'm perfect, but i'm not.
you think i've never done anything wrong, you'd be wrong.
you think i dont cry, but i do.
you think that at times i'm too weak, but i'm stronger than you think.
you think that it's easy for me, but its not.
you think i cant stand on my own, but i can.
you think i'll fall without you, but i'll live.
you think i've given up hope, but i havent.
you think i want to be real, i do.
you think you know all of me, but you dont.
whatever you think about me, you're wrong.

just freakin straight up ask me... if you think you can handle it.

you'd think someone ... one person out there wont ever get sick of you. you'd think at least one person out there would love you through all your retardedness and shitty moments. you'd think maybe one person out there would want the same things you do... and be happy just being with you... whenever and however. too much? there is no such thing. embracing the good, forgetting the bad ... day by day.

other people knowing the real me?
yeah, that's a risk i was willing to take while i'm here. but i dont know so much anymore. people think there are too many other strings attached. too burdensome ... too much to handle. it feels to them as if i'm totally depending on that person for every breath of air or something. i guess that's too much to ask of people. ha.
that's why i didnt want to take that risk. i only end up hurt even more.
i always give too much ...

who ... really, wants to be my friend?
can i trust you? will you hold out your hand just long enough for me to stand?
i'm coming off so desperate ...
never have i been so ... afraid to be alone. 
hmmm .. i have tasted, seen, felt something so much greater... and now, i fear the darkness of myself again... of plummeting down too far and not being able to come out ever again.

who in the world... wants to be there during moments like this?
yeah. who? you?
dont lie to me.

you know what?
dont ask me what this entry is about if you're not gonna care. dont ask me to be real if you're not going to be. dont tell me you care for me and that you're my friend if you're going to run away. dont be offended if i dont feel like telling you me deepest thoughts and secrets... cuz really, even you dont want to tell me yours. dont ask if you're just going to judge me.
....

gosh.
i want to run out of tears and never cry again.

damn.
yeah i said it. get over it.
damnit all.